7 Things You don’t need but would be cool if you got for Free & how they might help you survive the Zombie Apocalypse or E.M.P blast.
1) An Axe & or Hatchet- Are you kidding Me? What Man doesn’t want a Axe or Hatchet there are at least 2700 uses for either item but I’m gonna give you 2.
a) Wilderness Survival – With a Hatchet you can cut firewood, start a fire, make a raft, kill a animal for food and fur. You can make & set traps like Arnold Governator did in Predator, you can basically do anything you want.
b) Zombie Apocalypse – This is a “No Brainer” The only thing stopping a Zombie is sever blunt trauma to the head or decapitation. In the case that a Zombie Apocalypse shall bestow itself upon us, the Man with the hatchet/Axe & a plan will get all the Pretty Girls. I can assure you this. P.S. Some Pretty Girls are gonna change. I don’t mean in that “hot cheerleader girl from high school Becky turned Shreky” kinda way. I’m talking about wants to eat you for brunch in Soho. This is not the “Brainsssss” you want fellas…
2) A Good Automatic Watch- It doesn’t need batteries and can help you find True North. In the likelihood of an E.M.P (Electromagnetic-Pulse http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electromagnetic_pulse ) your watch will still keep the time. Although the reality is you won’t be late to anything. Your super important, amazing consultant meeting with Jay-Z, Warren Buffet, Oprah & Mark Zuckerberg has been cancelled. Forget about it!
3) GPS Ski Goggles- Duhhh. These are crazy. The worst thing you can do while running from Zombies through the streets of any major city is ask for directions. Getting accurate directions from a normal person is hard enough, you can forget about a Zombie helping. Just use your trusty Zeal Optics GPS Ski Goggles. Deemed the planet’s first GPS and sensor-laden ski goggles, these things are purportedly capable of logging speed, altitude, temperature and time details, and the side-mounted toggle switches will enable you to view said data in real time. They also protect your eyes from those harsh UV Rays & other strange phenomena, I recently wore a pair to the Prince concert that just past, I spent the whole night looking directly into his eyes & felt not a hint of Gay. They deemed Prince powerless.
4) Lock Picking Set – It’s often said that the difference between success and failure is access to opportunity. Well guess what? Access Granted! Listen we don’t have time to be messing around. Get in, find what you need & get out. Survival 101
5) A 1970 Dodge Charger- Simple! It’s fast, it’s made out of metal & it was built b4 they started putting computer chips in every car. So Yes it will work after the E.M.P Blast. Well, that is until fuel runs out, which will be exactly 16months after D-day #FACT.
6) 2 Swedish Firesteel Army Model(s)- This thing is truly amazing. It probably should be number 1. Originally developed for the Swedish Department of Defense, Swedish FireSteel is a flash of Fuck My Life. Its nearly 3,000°C spark makes fire building easy in any weather, at any altitude. #FUN FACTG2 indicates its surface temperature of the SUN to be approximately 5,778 K or 5,505 °C. Yup, You read correctly; this thing is creating sparks almost as Hot as the SUN. You thought Dylan spit Hot Fiyahhh? Erroneous… You must buy 2, that way you can pretend you actually have the SUN in your pocket. In the immortal words of Wu-Tang “I call my brother son cause he shines like one.” (& if he doesn’t like it, I’ll set his ass ablaze with a spark almost as hot as that bitch.)
7) A Custom Brass Balls Bobber- http://www.brassballsbobbers.com/ Straight beast mode. This shit will get You the all the Girls… Period.
The days of making excuses about your small apartment are done.
Here is the fastest way to make your shitty studio apartment look like 1 of Tony Starks’ playboy pads (Duhh The real Tony Starks not Ghostface).
The other “lie option” is to say it’s you’re “NYC work apt” (if you live in NYC). It goes something like the following… & hopefully the girl looks something like Katerina Graham:
Pretty Girl: I don’t just leave bars/clubs with random guys.
You a.k.a Random Guy: I totally understand, I don’t think I would like you very much if you did. And I do Like You. You want to grab some food (or something equally as arbitrary but public and non-threatening)?
Note: here is where it gets awesome. You have too look at your Blackberry/iphone/android with alarming concern right after you invite her to further your banter. It’s imperative that you don’t give her any time to respond to your invitation to food or other said arbitrary activity. You now have something of more importance than her to tend to. You apologize for the interruption and tell her it is rather urgent but you would love to see her again, even later this evening if possible but this pressing issue must be handled now. She’ll respond by saying she totally understands (which is a lie, so now you are even. In a zero sum game kind of way). You pay for the bill or whatever other gesture closes out your interaction in the moment, then you proceed to get ready to leave. Never neglect her, just make her priority number 2 or 3. (You are always top priority. You are the God of your universe, be so accordingly.) Leave.
Make sure she knows you left.
Give her exactly 4 mins of alone time. 240 seconds is enough time for her to decide if she was intrigued by you or not and it is also enough time for the other douchebag that has been watching her with you this whole time to move in. You want this, you need him so she can juxtapose. Hopefully there is more than 1 guy, which makes for even more distraction; making your steady flow of intelligent conversation yearned for. Come Back.
Return to her. As you make your way towards her you can observe whether she is entertained by these Parasites or if You’re a sight for soar eyes. Tell her while you were hailing a cab you thought about how rude it was of you to offer her dinner then run off, you apologize and ask her if she will accompany you to that arbitrary outing? but… You first have to handle that urgent matter, it won’t take but a sec. you just have to send off a email with an attachment that isn’t available on your phone. You probably won’t even have to say all of this shit.
Tell her she can just wait in the cab while you run up to take care of this. When she agrees, grab a cab and head to wherever you have to go. Hopefully it isn’t too far or out of her comfort zone (hence the “you can wait in the cab” it feels safer.)
Use the time in the cab wisely. You have to break down all of her defense mechanisms in a fun playful manner asap. She has to want to see where you live by the time this cab ride is over and she has to believe it is her idea. Arrive.
When you get to your small shitty studio apt. and you have this fancy furniture you can quickly have a awesome conversational point to actually show her how cool your bed is.
Basically Jason Bourne is the best version of “Man” possible. He literally forgot more than you will ever know. So in his honor I will dedicate an entire section of the blog to him always. First let’s get some preliminary things out of the way.
1) He’s a trained assassin. You aren’t trained at anything, except how to be a slave to the system.
2) He’s a master of Kali/Escrima & probably JKD
3) He has mad passports in different names. You probably don’t even have a passport.
4) He hollers at chicks after he kicks ass (always in that order) not like boring ass James Bond.
5) He Makes Do. He doesn’t need to carry a weapon, he has yours. Or he’ll just use a pen or a rolled up magazine basically whatever is at his disposal, maybe a dishrag.
6) He’s Smart in that Neuro-linguistic programming sort of way. It’s where you socially engineer yourself to learn anything and everything. That shit is real people. If you learn how to learn you can know everything you want to know. How much information do you take in and remember at will? check it…
Jason Bourne: I can tell you the license plate numbers of all six cars outside. I can tell you that our waitress is left-handed and the guy sitting up at the counter weighs two hundred fifteen pounds and knows how to handle himself. I know the best place to look for a gun is the cab of the gray truck outside, and at this altitude, I can run flat out for a half mile before my hands start shaking. Now why would I know that? How can I know that and not know who I am?
7) He is just plain Awesome! – but fear not fellow Mensters, we too can be awesome like Bourne if we so choose.
Simple Guide to being Bourne Again.
1) Get a basic book on building your Memory. If you can remember more, you can learn more. Here is a list of great Memory books. There was 1 I left off, I can’t remember the name lol jk.
2) Take a Martial Arts. Preferably a reality based one not some Mystical Mythical Madness. That shit is real too, but it takes a long time to get ya haduken or yoga flame on. Here are some awesome ones. MMA, JKD (Bruce Lee’s MMA), Kali/Escrima/Kuntaw, Krav Maga, Systema, Wing Chung Kung Fu, 52 Handblock (ask ya buddy from jail). All will aid you in your time of need and with your new found memory it won’t take long for you to remember what you learned in class.
3) Get Rosetta Stone. Don’t buy it, hack it. This is your first mission in espionage: Find a Rosetta Stone torrent already cracked and ready to go for you. Fuck paying 600$ per language.
4) Get some books on the Art of communication or persuasion, Neuro-linguistic programming or Hypnosis. This shit is important, it’s one thing to have a strong body but when you are handcuffed or tied up about to get water boarded a lil’ Art of Persuasion might be the difference btwn you being DEAD or You walking away with a bruised ego. This is real MMA -Mental Martial Arts.
6) Get a Passport. Go other places, Girls are pretty everywhere, trust me it’s true.
5) Don’t Die! Under no circumstances is it ok for you to die. You must stay alive in order to get better.
My super dope friend Alana was like “Yo come to the Robyn show at Terminal 5 I have a extra ticket”(in a super thick I’m white but don’t get it twisted bitch, I lived in NYC my whole life accent.) I’m like “hell yeah.” Alana also mentioned something about her college room mate performing b4 Robyn… Turns out her College room mate is a MONSTER by the name of Maluca who comes out in this lil ass outfit and atleast 10lbs of braided weave which as ridiculous as it sounds didn’t look it. Her music was bangin… ElectroDanceHouse from Washington Heights… Note: Robyn’s fan base is purely chicks and Gays and apparently Myself & 2 other Straight Guys. So I’m literarily in a sea of guys dancing and screaming like girls which is even more annoying than screaming girls. Actually screaming anything annoys me, it makes me wanna Pacquiao Punch the culprit in the face but whatever. I suggest y’all check Maluca out she’s fresh & if you are unfamiliar with Robyn GET FAMILIAR she was the Girl with the Platinum Blonde hair who was singing while Deadmau5e was DJing the VMA’s google if you must. Robyn doesn’t fall under the “Pretty Girl” category unless you like Elves but she does fall under the “Awesome Shit” category.
I do like to eat because eating falls under “awesome shit” and eating with family usually falls under hilarity. My personal favorite Thanksgiving took place at a summer camp i went to with Christina Ricci when I was young. Check it out: Thanksgiving
